My Mistake
by LillyAccountabilibuddy
Summary: Kyle knows it was a stupid thing to get into. So what's making him live in his mistake? A songfic to the song "Pushing Me Away" by Linkin Park. Warnings inside.


_My Mistake_

This is based on the Linkin Park song, "Pushing Me Away." I think it's too short and too whiny, but later I can learn from crappy stories like this.

**WARNINGS:** Mild Language

Sorry about the shortness.

- Lilly D.

* * *

Being the logical person I am, I hate when there isn't an explanation for something. I can't explain why people believe some things, why they say some things, why they act some strange ways. But one thing I really can't explicate is why I'm sitting here across from my boyfriend- Eric Cartman, of all people. He's got that knowing smirk on his face; as if he's aware of what I'm thinking. He probably is; I'm actually scared of his perceptiveness sometimes.

Even as I examine him from his short brunette hair to his expensive black shoes, I can't give any more reasons as to why I think I belong here. All that comes to mind are reasons why I don't. So, what keeps me here, day after day, pretending like I'm still getting something out of this? It isn't fear of him, because I've learned long ago that I can control him as much as he can control me. Love is completely non-existent, although I'm sure I felt it at one time. Sex is nothing special with him, if I may be so blunt. Maybe this is the point where I need to take some action.

"What's on your mind, Jew?" he asks. He's just as good at feigning love as I am; I know he doesn't care.

I sigh, not wanting to deal with it now. "Nothing. Just tired, is all."

"Well, quit moping around," he says sharply, "It's Friday, and I don't want you dampening my goddamn mood."

There he is. I roll my eyes and huff. "I am so sorry," I say, "I was suicidal anyway. Should I just get it over with so I don't crash the party?"

"I can't say I'd mind," Eric replies lazily, examining his sleeve.

These are the only conversations that go on between us. Sarcastic, indifferent, hasty banter that doesn't show the love we should feel toward each other. I can't say I've ever been in a relationship where the exchanges were loving and poetic, but I know that's how it's supposed to be. Even though we're a unique couple, I kind of would like to hear an "I love you" every now and then. Wow, I really sound like Wendy.

After a while, I've got to say, it builds up. It's not that I hate Cartman all of a sudden; I've always hated him. I'm just tired of acting like there's something more than hate between us. It's like whale watching. All you see is the disappointment as it slowly settles in.

_I've lied to you  
The same way that I always do  
__This is the last smile  
__That I'll fake for the sake of being with you_

On the way home from a loud, drunken, Friday night party, Eric once again senses that I'm hiding something. "Kyle, seriously, you didn't have a single drink. Why are you being all boring?" See how he cares?

I just shake my head. "Shut up, there was more for you."

He drums his fingers on the steering wheel, wondering if he should probe any further. It stuns me that he even has the emotional capability to consider that. "Are you pissed off at me?"

I can't help but laugh when he asks me this. "Am I ever _not_ pissed at you?"

"Well, it's only because you're a bitchy asshole that always has something to whine at," he says. Defensiveness coats his barking tone; he thinks the gun has been pointed at him. I was the first to turn it into a joke.

As always, I choose to continue our endless back and forth. "You can call me bitchy, but you're the asshole. Well, you turn into one the minute you start to say something sensitive."

"Something _sensitive_?"

This is where we will push each other to the brinks. When we're not hasty, we just let it escalate to yelling and pushing, one of us trying to be a winner in the battle that will never cease. Doesn't he see that this isn't going to make it anywhere? Doesn't he see that there's only one final way to get this over with?

When we first became a couple, it wasn't really any sort of romance novel or sweet teenage gushy love movie. To deny it was a cliché would be a lie, though. Just like in those screwed up stories overfilled with dramatic irony, we bonded in an argument. This dispute, however, soared high above our other quarrels. It was much like what I'm going through now, actually. It was the first time I ever asked myself why Cartman was my friend. I was fifteen at the time, and I wasn't mature enough to think my actions through. So, I simply confronted him. First, I asked him why the hell he hated me so much. His explanation was simple; I'm a greedy, arrogant Jew. Then I told him I was sick of putting up with the crap he dragged me through every day. I went on to tell him I no longer knew why he was my friend, and I couldn't explain why I dealt with it. After a flurry of fists, yells, cracks, and insults, he kissed me. Neither of us knew how much that would affect our lives.

After all this time, I'm beginning to realize that our beginning foreshadowed our end. Fights, screaming, and confusion. A dramatic impact on our lives. Is this how it's going to end now?

Obviously, our fate has been spelled out from the very start. Both Eric and I were rebellious kids; was this our way of defying God? We should've known- _I _should've known that it was destined to fail. Perhaps deep down I did. I didn't think one stupid mistake would affect me for this long.

_Everything falls apart  
__Even the people who never frowned  
__Eventually look down  
__The sacrifice of hiding in a lie  
__Everything has to end  
__You'll soon find out we're out of time left  
__To watch it all unwind  
__The sacrifice is never knowing_

The more I think of me and Cartman's relationship, the more stupid I feel. Not because I want to end it, but because I haven't ended it before. All he's ever caused me is pain, hate, anger, jealousy, and sadness. Of course, that one little speck of curiosity he gave me was enough to rid me of all my beliefs and ethics. Maybe it's regret for my mistake that makes me feel so unhappy. But really, it's the mistake in general.

I used to be so reasonable and sensible, but my life has become a whole mess of contradictions. Out of all the battles I've fought with Cartman, the one I can't win is the one with myself. It's one of those internal conflicts I actually used to enjoy solving. The choices never decided my future. But I really do need to stop whining. If I want to live an honest life, I can't go on with Cartman. It's just not how a truthful person lives. When the biggest part of my life is a lie, wouldn't that make me a liar in whole?

"I am so _sick_ of this!" he yells behind me, startling me out of my seat.

"What?" I gasp.

He storms across our apartment and slams his fists on the table. "_You_!" he shouts, "You've done nothing but sit around on your ass for the past week, moping about god-knows-what, and it's pissing me off!"

"Is this your way of asking what's wrong?" I ask shrewdly.

This throws him off not half a second. "I don't give a damn what your Jew ass is whining about! Would you just _start_ something already?"

"I'm not the one who starts crap," I retort, "_You_ start the crap."

"No, you started it just now!"

I roll my eyes. "Do you _want _to argue constantly?"

"_Yes_! I want to fucking argue constantly! I hate you and you haven't said a goddamn word to me in the last four days!"

There it is. It's now a fact that he _wants_ this. He wants to be relentlessly irritable. The difference is in our basic personalities and desires. He wants raging action while I just want some normal conversation. For years now, I've bantered with him, giving my all to keep him going. Sure, it brought me some joy for a long while, but now it's just a headache, throbbing with every insult. Of course, he's never given a thought to what _I _want, so the arguing won't stop.

But it can. The arguing can stop. The fighting can cease. The hatred and anger can evaporate. The confusion can settle. The whole cycle of annoyance can halt in its tracks. All I have to do is win the battle that we've been fighting since the day we met and that all of this is caused by.

_I've tried like you  
__To do everything you wanted to  
__This is the last time  
__I'll take the blame for the sake of being with you_

So, I defeat him by turning my heel. His immaturity may prevent him from ever realizing that I'm the one who walked out of this on both feet. He's caught off-guard, not knowing what the cause of my departure is. That's my fault, for I've let him continue on with it for so long that to him, it's like breathing. What do I want to do with a person who insults as easily as drawing air?

By leaving him in the dust, I think I can rebuild honesty and morals into my life. I can be the person I always wanted to be when I was young. Maybe the difference between Kyle Broflovski and Eric Cartman is that he's happy with hatred, and I'm not. But it's never as simple as that.

* * *

I'm not a huge fan of this one, so sorry.

Please review, it really makes me smile!

Thanks guys!

_**- Lilly D.**_


End file.
